The Absent Presence

This is the feeling of emptiness and despair in someone's absence. Their presence is absent, and so is your power to defeat loneliness.

It is an incredible feeling to miss someone to the extend where you can sense their presence next to you. Sometimes it is subjective and self-induced but other times it is genuine and neutral. You sit there collecting all the sweet memories and tender moments, wishing they would suddenly reappear in your life. You look at photos, listen to songs, hoping that you will receive a text saying 'I think of you too, sometimes'.

But when it never happens, you have to forcefully snap out of the past and ensure that you are creating new memories here, now. The only challenge in doing so is that you'll soon be reminiscing the moments you are creating now. So to what extend can anyone ever fully live here, now? The past is a major component of who we are in the present and to live as though the past does not effect the present is almost impossible.

Fortunately, it sometimes effects one's personality positively where he uses the experiences as a lesson. I used to say 'love as though you have not been hurt before' until someone corrected me by saying 'love as though you have been hurt before' because that is when you will know how it feels. 

You live, you learn. The way we are treated is possibly the way we have treated people in the past, either consciously or unconsciously. So an attempt to treat people the way we would like to be treated would probably bring the absence of loneliness and would restore the presence of the present.

Gay and Proud

Sometimes we're gay
Sometimes we're proud
I say let's play
You say I'm loud.


Look at the ray 
Behind the cloud;
Start being more gay
And stop being so proud.



Talk about things
That bother you dear;
If you're not talking
Then how can I hear?


I tried to come close
But I won't try again.
Please don't overdose
And deal with the pain.


If I weren't so gay
And you weren't so proud
Then you'd have been gay
And I'd be so proud!


*Gay to be interpreted as preferred.

Vision is blurry.

I have always wondered why people annoy me so much now; when they were once the smile to my face. How is it possible that an entity which represented happiness in your life now only represents unhappiness?
 
I figured that it might not be the person as such who is at fault but the natural evolution of the relationship with the subject. Sometimes it can only get better but other times it can only get worse.
 
To appreciate a piece of art, they say, you should look at it from a distance and understand the bigger picture. When I read the phrase 'The only way to appreciate something is to distance yourself from it for a while', I instantly disagreed. I rejected it. I believed the opposite: that you should get as close to it as possible! That way you would notice all the details and the colorful shades.
 
But thinking of it now, it makes sense to me. It makes sense because I realised that the closer I got to the picture, the blurrier the vision became. The eagerness to live it all to its most and get as close as possible, only modified its beauty into an image worth throwing away.
 
I questioned myself and others to the extend where it got tiring to even think of that situation; let alone live in it. That is always when I know I need my space. The next step is suffocation.
 
Taking a step back does not equate to abandonment; though it is usually perceived as such. It is unfortunate that I had to lose friends, acquaintances, even parents in the process of doing so, but knowing me I will keep running into the image and I will keep taking a step back when I need to.

Love for now

As humans, we have a secret need of emotional security; an abstract feeling of belongingness which seeks to be satisfied within the limited or unlimited borders of our social interactions.


This is sometimes suppressed or avoided, but in other cases it takes over. It dominates the behaviour to an extend where one becomes so dependant to another that he forgets the reasons he initially liked the person. This domination binds the logic eye and the communicational and behavioural faults are buried or eliminated for the sake of emotional security.


Sometimes it is love.
And that is why they say love is blind. But if it is blind then how can it see one's faults and accept him for them?

Some other times though, it is not love. It is lunch. Lunch for the ego which needs feeding from external sources and finds a full course meal in the face of anyone who is willing to provide security and stability. Undoubtedly, these two factors are important in friendships, relationships and other interactions but they should not become the aim.


If one needs security, he should first find it within and thereafter look for it without. In fact, this reminds me of Cavafy's poem 'The Polis' which explains that a new place will not provide a new beginning if one carries ruins within him. Similarly, a new person will not provide emotional security if one carries emptiness within him.

So if love be, make sure you love and are loved for who you are and for who the other is. Make sure you love for now, constantly, for ever and not for the security forever provides now.

When it doesn't Match.

Try a little harder, try a little better, try a little faster, try a little slower.

It shouldn't be about trying a little something more; it should be about trying a little.

The attempt is worth the experience but the retardness appears when all the signs say 'NO, IT DOESN'T FIT' but you keep trying harder; better; faster; slower; to make it work. Well, I'll tell you this, and I'll say it once. It doesn't match! It doesn't match. Stop trying; it never will!

When two or more things do not match, there is a possibility that they have never matched before and a certainty that they never will. So what is the bizare earge that makes people keep trying for a case that is already lost? What is that which keeps them focused on a task that is unworthy and unworkable?

It could be their ambition to achieve in the relation as a whole, it could be their deeper hope of mutual feelings from the other side, it could be their perception of tolerance and it could be their ego's lunch. But seriously, it's like trying to solve a rubix cube when each colour only appears on one single side of one single brick of the cube. Unworthy. Unworkable.

Let's force this elephant to my lungs through my nostrils! Come on! Let's do this! Let's try a little harder, try a little better, try a little faster; a little slower; whatever works! NOW STOP! It won't go through babe. I'm sorry but it won't, ok? I want you to know that I tried but I can't be lying to myself no more. It will not go through and I will now even stop trying because I have lost any motivation to do so. We thought it would have worked, we tried it out, inside - out, up and left; but it did not work. And if you think it did, well you have been lying to yourself. And if you haven't been lying to yourself, well I've been a good actor. And if I haven't been a good actor, well you are naive and that's why we won't be together any more!

So please tell the elephant to reverse from my nostrils because I'll go for 'trying a little' as from now. I'll go for things that match; even when it gets harder, better, faster, slower.

Diary Entry,

Please wait for me, don't go

How does it hurt? I want to know.

I heard you're fine but losing weight,

I hope it's not to hard to wait.

I miss the stories you would tell

So please don't go, I'm gonna yell.

I'm gonna yell and cry and mourn

Because inside me, I'll be torn.

To your illness I'll be blind

You're always precious in my mind.

So please wait for me, don't go,

I'm proud of you- and you should know.

...Death is inevitable, but its appearance is always a surprise! Mostly because it only visits once and takes it all; The habits, the certainty, and the tangible reality become inexistent. The pain and grief increase as the memories flash before your eyes and the absence becomes unacceptable and unreal. The denial of the present places you in the past; and your mind tangles between the reality of the memory and the reality of life respectively in your attempt to believe it.

I hate her.

I’ve come to say I hate her;

The one who gave birth to me.

I’ve come now to despise her;

The one who claims to love me.

You’d think I’d have no reason;

But I’ve got one too many.

The enormity of treason

Is just as bad as any.

I thought I’d never hate;

And it hurts me to feel so.

But I guess that’s part of fate;

And it’s time for me to go.

The past is always with me;

And so is my brain.

But if I let it haunt me;

I will remain in pain.

The tissues have run out;

And so must the tears.

One thing I’d like to shout;

THANKS FOR STOPPING ALL MY GEARS.